Introduction: My Journey with People Pleasing
As you may have read or watched in some previous content I’ve published, I was a huge people pleaser back in high school and, to a certain extent, I still am! Even though I’ve always intuitively known this fact, it’s only within the past year that I’ve really dug into the psychology and science of what people pleasing is and why it’s such a serious and widespread challenge.
According to Dr. Harriet Braiker, clinical psychologist and author of the best-selling book “The Disease to Please: Curing the People Pleasing Syndrome,” people pleasing problems are broken down into three components: mindsets, habits, and feelings. Here's a high-level overview of what each entails:
The Three Components of People Pleasing
1. People Pleasing Mindsets
According to Braiker, individuals driven by this mindset often believe they need and must strive for everyone to like them. They tend to measure self-esteem and define their identity by how much they do for others, insisting that others' needs must come before their own.
2. People Pleasing Habits
Those exhibiting people pleasing habits frequently take care of others’ needs at the expense of their own (Braiker). Such individuals often do too much, too often for others, rarely say no, and almost never delegate, leading to overcommitment and being spread too thin.
3. People Pleasing Feelings
Braiker postulates individuals struggling with these feelings often experience high anxiety at the anticipation or possibility of an angry confrontation with others. They may employ avoidance tactics to protect themselves from fears of anger, conflict, and confrontation.
People Pleasing as a Universal Struggle
Before we continue, I want to mention that it’s important to keep in mind that people pleasing is a common challenge that many people have to consciously work on regularly. While one may have a dominant causal feature of the three, many are impacted by multiple areas and may recognize overlapping trends or behaviors—that’s totally normal! For example, I personally found that I have moderately severe people pleasing symptoms with a focus on mindsets. Much of my life, I’ve prided myself on being as likeable and inoffensive to anyone and everyone I meet.
The Hidden Costs of People Pleasing
If you’re like me, maybe you’re a little skeptical about how much of a “problem” people pleasing really is. I felt like Braiker was speaking directly to me when she said that to some, “the phrase people-pleaser may feel like more of a compliment or flattering self-description that you proudly wear as a badge of honor.” And it makes sense! What’s wrong with trying to make others happy? Shouldn’t we all strive to please the people we love and come across? Wouldn’t the world be a happier place if there were more people pleasers like us... right??
People Pleasing as a Psychological Problem
According to Braiker, when taken to its extremes, people pleasing can actually be a compulsive and even addictive behavior pattern. As a people pleaser, one may feel controlled by the need to please others and can be addicted to their approval. At the same time, there’s often a feeling of being out of control over the pressures and demands on one’s life that these needs create. This process often involves turning a deaf ear to one's own inner voice that may be trying to protect from overextending oneself and from operating against one's own self-interests. As a result, self-esteem becomes tied up with how much one does for others and how successful one is at pleasing them. Much like an addiction, fulfilling the needs of others becomes the magic formula for gaining love and self-worth (the high) while avoiding abandonment and rejection (security).
Personal Example: In college, I was part of an organization that I felt incredibly invested in for five years and ultimately became president of my senior year. Just as described above, my self-worth became inseparably tied to how often and consistently I was able to step up and give my time, energy, and emotions to help get the organization on the right track. While this was happening, I was on academic probation, in the process of changing my major for the nth time, and had less than no clue about what my post-graduation goals were. Yet the only thing that made me feel better about myself for a second was being there for my organization and peers, so believe me when I say I truly understand how addicting people pleasing can be.
Nice Guys (or Girls) Finish Last
People pleasers often associate their identities with being nice, making them susceptible to manipulation and exploitation. Niceness can be a blinder to the fact that others are taking advantage. Prioritizing niceness prevents fully expressing anger or displeasure, however justified it may be. The more one identifies with being nice, the more they subconsciously give up the opportunity to be REAL (Braiker). As a result, they may begin to feel plagued by nagging doubts, insecurities, and lingering/pent-up fears or frustrations.
Personal Example: In college, most of the times a peer or classmate reached out with a request, it was mainly about needing me to show up or go to something. While composing my response, I distinctly recall internalizing the all-or-nothing nature of the situation. Either I say yes and I’m celebrated as saving the day (to some extent), or I say no and feel like everyone else this person probably asked before me and being selfish. When mentally framed that way, which was often, the decision seemed clear to me.
Conflict Avoidance Isn’t the Solution
People pleasers will often avoid criticizing others to avoid being criticized in return. People pleasing is largely driven by emotional fears: fear of rejection, abandonment, conflict/confrontation, criticism, being alone, and anger. As Braiker states, conflict avoidance is not an ingredient of successful relationships but rather a symptom of dysfunctional ones. Negative emotions between people are inevitable, and we must learn to deal with them effectively.
Personal Example: This is a point that resonated deeply with me. Often, I would find myself in situations where I gaslit myself into denying my anger and resentment toward another to avoid saying anything and “making a big deal” out of “nothing.” Meanwhile, inside, I felt anxious, panicked, and depressed. Some of this stems from being raised in traditional Asian households where we are told that anxiety/depression doesn’t exist or, if they do, not to the degree that they should be talked about openly. This culture and style of child-rearing, which may fly in Asia where everyone pretty much conforms and does the same thing, I would argue doesn’t apply as much in Western culture, where it’s increasingly harder to just suck it up and keep your feelings in when social media literally is capable of showing you infinite examples of others just like you being real, authentic, and celebrated for it.
Long-Term Health and Interpersonal Consequences
If people pleasing persists over long periods, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and failure can build. Over time, suppressed anger and resentment can turn toxic and may cause relationships with loved ones to weaken or fail. Braker: A quote Braiker shares, "people pleasers may often wonder 'after everything I’ve done for _____, nobody is there for me. I’ve been so nice to everyone, and people just take me for granted'".
Personal Example: I’ve certainly noticed that some of my friendships and relationships have changed over the years—as they should. In recent years, I’ve taken a more honest look at my friendships and how much I’ve invested versus what I’ve gotten in return. In the friendships where I feel like I am more often the one putting in effort and accommodating the other person, I’ve made a more intentional effort to pull back and prioritize my own time and energy. To be honest, sometimes the other person is willing and able to meet me at this new halfway point, and sometimes it doesn’t happen. But at the end of the day, it’s okay either way because, ironically, by prioritizing myself, it has actually strengthened many of the relationships in my life by spotlighting which ones are worth investing in and which ones may not be. This is something the old people-pleasing version of me would never think of or even feel comfortable enough in his own skin to do.
Conclusion: Embracing Authenticity for Long-Term Fulfillment
At Your Epic Consulting, our voice is not just a medium; it's a mission. We embody collaboration, empathy, empowerment, and a future-focused, values-driven approach in every interaction. This commitment shines through as we guide students away from the pitfalls of people-pleasing and towards discovering their authentic selves.
Key Benefits from Our Authenticity-Centric Approach:
- Deeper Engagement with Our Team: We foster a trusting environment by encouraging students to embrace their authentic selves. This deeper connection allows us to understand each student's true aspirations, leading to personalized and effective guidance that resonates deeply with both students and their families.
- Enhanced Dedication to the Application Process: Authenticity motivates students to be more invested in their college applications. They are more likely to start earlier and embrace the iterative process of revisions, leading to more compelling and thoughtful applications. This proactive attitude is in stark contrast to the mechanical engagement of students who conform to external expectations.
Our collaborative and empathetic approach ensures that families feel supported and understood. We empower students to chart their course, envisioning a future aligned with their deepest values. By making decisions that resonate with their authentic selves, students not only stand out in the competitive landscape of college admissions but also lay the foundation for a fulfilling and successful life.
We invite you and your child to join us on this transformative journey. Together, we will navigate the challenges of the admissions process and embrace a future where your child thrives, not just in college, but in life itself, fortified by the strength of their true self. At Your Epic Consulting, we don’t just prepare students for college—we prepare them for a world of possibilities, ensuring a path that is not only successful but deeply fulfilling.